Haute Cuisine: Aeroplane Food

In the sci-fi future when a pill gives you the feeling of a full, delicious meal, will there be a cheaper meal version or will all pills be equal? All meals are not equal, and with blissful ignorance I have swerved ordering food on short haul flights because I’m a food bigot. Nothing on the Ryanair menu is going to be any good, surely, just eat a disappointing Wetherspoons in the terminal and order Pringles and gin on the plane. That’s how travelling works.

My girlfriend's niece, who is thirteen, loves a Ryanair lasagne, which I initially laughed at. Returning from Ireland, the Limerick airport breakfast was so horrid, dry and expensive I baulked. I'm not averse to a microwave meal, which is all I'm expecting from a pasta dish made in the sky. I needed some sauce.

Did the phrase sky high prices come about because aeroplanes are expensive? You’re literally a captive audience and if you don’t cough up that cash who knows what the pilot will do! People went on a flight, had to buy some booze to calm their nerves or godforbid some food because they’re hungry, got the bill and, seventeen miles above earth or whatever said “wow, these really are sky high prices.”

Much like the mile high club, you just got fucked on an aeroplane.

There’s nowhere to cook on a plane, it’s a microwave or some suped up combination cooker I’m yet to see. It’s a microwave, surely.

Short haul flights to (mainly Hungary) and Europe are something I deal with by a few drinks no matter the time of flight, issues not for this bit of writing, and some food in the airport. Then more booze on the plane. I have learned a life hack or two. 

They've made it really hard to buy booze in the terminal and take on the plane. Buy a few drinks you like in spoons, full your water bottle up and hey presto no waiting around on the plane, even for pre order.

To one up that, Ryanair has a pre-order feature on their app.

Using pre-ordering you will get dirty looks on the plane when your 7am lasagne and gin and tonic arrive before anyone else has even been asked what they want, but I'm yet to work out if it's judgement or envy. I don’t care and nor will you, tuck in!

On travel tips; priority boarding, what a load of shit. Who pays to sit on a plane longer than everyone else? They have bars by the gate so you can see when you'll need to walk on the flying tin can, while having a drink. In Sczecin it’s my go to, although once I almost waited too long, cavalier with Tyskie and vodka shots, I waited until they were shutting the door even though they could see me at the bar five meters away. They just wanted me to stay in Poland. I’m good for the economy, or something.

I appreciate there's more of a booze than food theme so far but they're symbiotic when flying. The food started with the vaulted lasagne, Limerick to London, which was visually exactly what I expected, a sloppy mess. It tasted like a good microwave lasagne, plenty of sauce (needed) and honestly I could run a long list of shit lasagnes I’ve had cooked for me but this wasn’t one. Expectations were low and no it isn’t pretty but you’re on a fucking plane, I enjoyed it a lot.

A month or so later (London to La Rochelle since you ask) I wasn’t hungry in the airport but knew I would be later. After the success of the lasagne from Limerick, and with its price being roughly the same as a Pret taken on board, I pre ordered the hot bacon roll. Fully expecting a monstrosity of limp, chewy bread and horrid flabby bacon straight out of the microwave, I couldn’t wait to tell everyone how shit it was.

Yeah I’m that kinda guy, I’ll do stuff I think will be bad, just so I can talk to people who think they’re too good for it about how they are pussies. Regardless of whether they’re right or wrong. Saying that, I don’t have or want kids so technically most of my friends have done something I’m steering clear of. My lasagne and bacon roll were in no way a comparatively risky or expensive experiment.

The bacon roll arrived in a plastic wrapping. Who can make a bacon sandwich in a plastic wrapping? Ryanair can. Not only was it crispy in the right places, it was buttered and delicious. I’ve had worse in greasy spoons (obviously the best place for a proper sarnie). My one criticism was that there’s no sauce available but it speaks to how good the rest of the experience was that I didn’t mind.

My mind was blown, how did they do this?! At the very least I now know Pret can do one before I fly, get me a bacon roll and some gin, tout suite. I was now dead set on trying the whole Ryanair menu, with a summer of flights ahead of me.

If they can make a crispy bacon roll orbiting the earth, my logical next step was of course, pizza and fries. I pre ordered. Turns out on a pre order there is no guarantee and the La Rochelle to London was all out of both. We settled for a chicken panini. The filling was focussed in the centre, but that happens everywhere so my technique is eat inwards from both ends and leave with a nice memory. I had no complaints at all.

Because of a sad death in the family, we flew immediately from Stansted to Budapest. The menu isn’t vast, but I remind you, you’re on a fucking plane, and not a pricey one. I had to eat during the break, at Spoons, which was unimpressive and meant I couldn’t reorder the elusive pizza and fries.

On the way home, with very little to complete on the Ryanair menu, I ordered the heavenly pizza and sky high fries again. Not available for a second time, they are my new holy grail. Our flights back to Budapest in December are cheaper than train tickets in the UK and I might see what Ryanair charges to make sure the plane has these treasures- or see if I can pre-pre-order them.

A Thai green curry was chosen instead and because I’d had some delicious Palinka I accidentally rolled the dice on nuts. Plenty of rice but also plenty of sauce which you might have noticed I appreciate and a good flavour with some welcome heat. It is, no doubt, something you could pick up in a supermarket, but it’s roughly the same price and someone delivers it to you. In the sky.

Afterwards I was still a bit hungry but then it was 11am and I hadn't eaten for some time and was three palinkas in. I almost ordered a bacon roll. On my way to the loo I asked a flight attendant how the magic works on the food, and it is basically an oven. I saw behind the magic curtain! Now this is in no way a criticism and I hope they keep them because I love a bacon roll, but I work in a hospital and we’ve banned toasters in a lot of places.

Toasters. Hospitals are on the ground and they’re worried about toasters. The thought that the NHS cares more for my living than Ryanair is probably the right way around. Is it? Let's go with that. Ryanair's concern is fairly immediate, and so it should be. You try asking the cabin crew about a lump on your testicle.

In December I plan on ordering pizza and fries for us both, on separate accounts, as early as the app allows. If they’ve not got them again I shall go into full conspiracy mode. Yes I know it's random quality and yes I know it isn't Haute Cuisine but aeroplane food is way better than I expected and has become a fun part of travelling for me.