God, Atheism and Then What?

Until I was about seventeen I was a fairly convinced Catholic, but now I’m an atheist. One experience put me on a path away from the belief in God.

I’d done all the Catholic stuff. Waiting ages to excitedly be finally allowed to shuffle along in mass to eat the biscuits and drink the wine which tastes more like sherry. Saying sorry to God, which to be honest always felt forced because a priest had to be there, you have to really trust the Priest no matter what they tell you about their neutrality.  If God can hear my prayers in my head he no doubt knows when I’ve been a naughty little Adam.

Then I did that thing where you confirm you are a Catholic. I was assured at the time this was a big deal and I remember liking it mainly because at the meetings there were girls, and as I was at a Catholic all boys school by fifteen girls had become somewhat alien to me. Now they had breasts, although one girl did have them at primary school, which fascinated us little lads. But she also had hairy legs. Even at eleven, gender prejudice. Dear God, Adam was a bad idea.

Still, I enjoyed the grandeur of the occasions and the socialising, and deep down I believed it too which meant it wasn’t a waste of time, religiously speaking. I was putting in the hours for Jaysus. My awful, awkward teenage self certainly wasn’t reeling in attention other than suspensions from school for bad behaviour.

I helped on the confirmation course soon after I did my own, and went on a religious retreat to France, to a retreat called Taizé. This trip was important to me for two reasons, firstly that it sparked a small amount of spirituality in me, which lasted maybe two years and secondly that Taizé was jam packed with beautiful European girls and I met a nice Swedish one.

My sexuality outlasted my faith, and I have challenged my sexuality too, because otherwise how do you know.

The spirituality in me didn’t change me outwardly but I became more inwardly reflective, believed more strongly in a deity and would do things such as pray. Silently and privately at home and always for others, my logic being if I prayed for others someone would pray for me- there is no such thing as conscious altruism. This was the peak of my belief in the almighty, it all changed though.

I was on Peckham Rye, at about five or six in the morning, watching the sun come up with some friends. They are all a bit older than me and of mixed beliefs. It really was nature at its best, for Peckham. Otherworldly, peaceful, and looking up someone said “this can’t be all there is. It is so beautiful”. I didn’t need anyone to tell me to disagree, which is mainly why I’ve never swayed from my realisation. I knew I didn’t agree. It is all there is.

Mentally I zoomed upwards and upwards like a dream, looking down. That beauty we hold so dear seemed so powerful, but at the same time it reminded me how small a part of it we were, how much stretched out in every direction from us and how many others were seeing it, seeing something else, or were dead. Dead and not seeing.  It seemed to me that we as people think life is so beautiful sometimes that it can’t possibly just end. 

In that moment I realised that it does end. For me the world is so material, and us such a small, tiny part of it we need a God, something above us, pulling strings and making everything Ok so that we don’t feel like life is finite. It makes sense, but I went the other way; there is no flying spaghetti monster, no consciousness once you last close your eyes. The world is bigger than you, you are an ant on it. It’s just perspective.

Religion can give people meaning, community, love, moral structure and more. None of which are bad at all, though that is not to say religion does nothing bad or causes no harm. Wicked people will use any tool they can to further their own ends. Sometimes those people use religion, but evil loves opportunity.

You only get one go and that’s the beauty. You can’t save your life with add ons, you can’t start again on an easier setting, but you can and you will meet some wonderful people, share meals and see life changing landscapes. If you try. Laugh, love, be loved and hope to be remembered well when you’re gone. It’s not easy but it is achievable.

You will share moments of pure beauty, some of them with Swedish girls, some with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. You’ll also be hurt and upset and feel forgotten about at times. This is what makes the rest feel good when you accept the bad is fleeting, it will go. Focus on family, food, the people you love and have some hobbies too.

When someone we love dies, religious belief helps us believe that person is ok, not just gone, still watching us. I prefer the Streets lyric, “I came to this world with nothing, and I leave with nothing but love. Everything else is just borrowed”. Think upwards, just live with the memories they gave you, think what you can do now.

If you don’t believe in life after death, you can’t believe in God, however seductive that may be, but atheism isn't the end.

Live and leave with love. It will spread.